What If There Are No Roses?

People didn't like my posts many years ago about how parenting doesn't have to be boring. I still maintain that boredom is a state we have complete control over. However, I often get accused of saying it isn't hard or you have to like it all the time. Nay, nay.


Of course it is hard. No one enjoys staying up for 4 months with a colicky baby. No one normal gets kicks out of cleaning poop off the carpet. Very few parents of children with learning disabilities get through their days without feeling frustrated. Parenting is hard. Any long term committed relationship is hard.


Still, when I read a blog post going around the facebook-sphere by a mama who said that the best part of her day is when the kids are asleep, I still bristled. When she mentioned that parenting is like climbing a mountain, a feat best enjoyed once it is over, I became sad. When she talked about how raising children is like getting through a thorn bush and it's only at the other end that you get to look back and see the roses, I became depressed for her. 


Not because I judge her, but because I know she may end up at the top of that mountain and discover that there is no view. She may not make it through the thorns to see the roses. There might not be any roses. 


You might spend 18 years working your arse off for your child, only to have them disappoint you by making foolish choices or choosing paths you always hoped they'd never choose. You might suffer through years of illness and doctor bills only to have your precious child's life slip from you too early. You might feel like you can't wait until they start school so you have some time for yourself, until they are asleep so you can have a break, until they go off to college and live on their own so you can finally pay attention to your own enrichment again. You might set aside any hope of seeing roses now on the promise that tending this garden means roses will grow. 


Sometimes they don't. Sometimes there is no reward. 


So now what?


Why can't you have roses now?? Why is digging in the earth only worth it if there is a harvest at the end? What if there is no harvest? Will you feel cheated? Will you resent your kids for wasting your years only to show no gratitude, no respect for your efforts?

We've all seen or at least heard about the dad who, upon breaking onto his daughter's facebook account and seeing her complain about him, decided to post a video of him calling her names and shooting bullets into her laptop. Clearly he is at the end of his rope. His ungrateful daughter appears to be incapable of appreciating anything he does for her. She'll learn her lesson, though. Two can play this game. I've seen parents labeling this dad as EPIC.

Pardon me, but WHAT THE HELL.


Articles abound where parents confess that they do not love one of their children, that they do not love parenting, that parents are not as happy as their childless peers, that children contribute to marital dissatisfaction.


Stop and take a breath and give me one chance. ONE CHANCE. What works for me won't work for everyone. But maybe, just maybe, I have SOMETHING. Because it doesn't have to be only good when they're asleep. It doesn't have to be only worth it when it is over. It's not all cupcakes and kittens. But the moment, every moment, can still be something so precious that at the end of the day, there is a sense of happiness from the very fact that you got to be there in the first place.

Now I've had a friend mention that she thinks I enjoy my kids so much because I had to work so hard to get them, and that is probably 50% true. There is some evidence that adoptive parents enjoy parenting more because they had to work so effing hard to get there.


 I have friends who worked very hard and never had any children at all, adopted or otherwise. It took me five years to get Connor. Every day I feel damn honored to be his mom. Not that moms who got pregnant easily don't feel honored to be mothers. I know people like to say that if I mean one thing, I must be excluding everything else, and on rare occasions (never get me started on  circumcision, for example) that is the case, but not this time. 


There are days when everything goes horribly wrong, so horribly wrong that I am glad that it is over. If those are the rule and not the exception, then something has to change. If you're a single mom with a high needs child living on welfare, fine, you probably don't have the power to change much. But you also have the power to change SOME.


So let me TRY. Let me try and help you have roses now. Let me help you not have to wait. Let me tell you what I've been learning from mothers. Let me share with you what I've been learning from podcasts and books. Let me share with you what I've learned on my own. 


1. Stop parenting so much.


Every time Bryan leaves town for a convention, I've had my mom come visit me. Every time except the last time. The last time I was finally on my own with 3 kids for several nights. Getting 2 kids and a baby ANYWHERE let alone to bed was maddening. I did it one night and the crying and tantrums and chaos made me consider polyandry on a serious I MIGHT ACTUALLY DO THIS level. So on night 2, I decided to do nothing. Everyone needed a diaper so no one wet the bed, and then nothing. I brushed my own teeth and the baby copied me. The kids skipped it. I left a reading light on for them and said, do whatever, nursed the baby to sleep, and then fell asleep with the 3 and 5 year old still reading and giggling. I woke up 2 hours later and they were still at it.

The third night, I did the same thing. I got everyone in diapers and pajamas and said "Do whatever." This time they brushed their teeth with me and asked me to read them books. Then the 3 year old fell asleep with me as I sang to her. The 5 year old fell asleep 30 minutes later with a book on his chest. The 4th night, we all read together and fell asleep together. The kids didn't like being the last ones up, and didn't like being the last ones to wake up in the morning, either. I let go, and things fell into place.


Would this work for every family? That's not the point. The point is, when things are crazy, you HAVE to let go of something, even if you think nothing good will come of it. Instead of making breakfast and lunch, I generally set out breakfast bars, sliced fruits and veggies and cheese, and let the kids decide when to eat and what to drink. I taught them both to use the toaster for bread and waffles. They both know how to pour their own drinks or make their own sandwiches. We have one formal meal a day, and since the kids prefer grazing, anyway, which is in fact a more natural way to eat, we give them just a small portion and they can eat more later. I have a toddler who still nurses on demand. Something had to give. Lots of things had to give. And things got better, not worse. 


There is a belief that children, let on their own, will watch tv and play video games all day, eat only cookies and soda, and go to bed at 3 am. If they never get to do those things, that probably is what they'll want. But in my experiment, in the experiments of mothers and fathers that I know, that's only the case for a few days, and then the novelty wears off, and then things fall into place. Kids are designed to imitate us. They are designed to attach to us and want to be with us. They are wired to follow our example in order to see how life works. When they don't feel good, then like us they just want to lay around and do very little. And sometimes, like us, they get insomnia and no amount of force or threats or scolding will make them fall asleep. Like us, sometimes they are over stimulated and want to just watch TV instead of going outside. But like us, most of the time they want to create and be productive and have adventures. They want to eat when they are hungry, not when we tell them to be hungry, and sleep when they are tired, not when we insist they should be tired. They want to read books because we read books and help make soup because we're making soup. They want to build and solve problems and explore. And sometimes in the store, they want to hop around like a frog. 


The common misconception is that parents who do some things this way are raising brats. Brats are usually brats because they have a need not being met, not because they are having too many needs being met. The materialist child with too many things usually gets those things in lieu of one-on-one time and physical affection. The child having a tantrum usually is over-tired or is being expected to do something not within their developmental capabilities. Is this always the case? No. But bad decisions rarely happen because of too much freedom. 


Stop and think about the thins that most stress you out, that are the biggest fight for struggle, from the two year old who won't wear a hat in the snow to a 16 year old who wants to wear clothes you don't approve of. Now ask yourself this - what happens if I just stop fighting and let go? What if I stop considering it my duty to force my child to share my values? What is the worst thing that can happen if I let my kid play with his food? What happens if I don't make her do her homework? What happens if I invite my child to brush his teeth with me instead of telling him that he has to? What happens if I teach by example instead of coercion? 


Article after article online, conversations in real life, I hear parents talk about how they resent their child, how sometimes they even hate them, hate the fight over wearing a coat, over eating something, over compliance, obedience, embarrassment, rebellion. One article writer discusses the guilt that comes when mothers put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect. Well, for Pete's sake, what about all this pressure on children to be perfect?? To wear a coat when you are cold? To do homework before playing even though they've been sitting still all day and probably need a break? To control their 4 year old emotions like someone with the experience of 30 years of living, even though most adults can't control their own selves and lose it when a child says "no?" Why fight over a coat? Why fight?

No, I don't let my toddler take her shoes off in the snow. No, I don't let my 4 year old go into a different store in the mall from the rest of the family. But more often than not, when I ask myself "Why is this a fight?" the answer is, "Stop fighting and let go."

For inspiration (Click On The Titles To See The Full Articles):

A Little Self-Care Goes a Long Way
by Karen Walant, Ph.D.
" Let's face it. Even though the rewards are innumerable, parenting in an attachment style is demanding and stressful, both physically and emotionally. Wearing an infant in a baby sling is one thing, but hauling a toddler around in a sling is quite another. Nursing a 3-month-old through the night is one thing, but continuing to do so when he/she is a toddler, that is another. And yet, though we may be looking forward to "child-led weaning" and some well-deserved rest, many of us continue to follow all of these approaches because we believe it is best. The spirit is always willing, but the body is often... well, tired...."


Yes Daysby Ginger Carlson
"Home is a haven, one in which we can be sheltered from the barrage of outside stimuli. If at all practical, give yourself permission to be free from your schedule every now and then. Follow your child's lead, and spend the afternoon curled up in bed reading books. Cancel your meeting and spend some one-on-one time sipping cocoa in your pajamas. Remember that the world we are creating for our children will directly affect the world they will create as they grow into adulthood. Being pulled away from something a child deems important is a direct instruction that teaches him to run his own agenda on others as he grows up." 

The Courage to be a Loving Parent

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

"On the other hand, it is unloving to ourselves and our children to expect our children to take responsibility for our well-being. It is unloving to demand that our children give themselves up to prove their love for us and to pacify our fears. It is unloving to demand that they be the way we want them to be rather than who they are. It is unloving to set limits just to make us feel safe, rather than limits that support their health and safety. When we behave in this way, we are role-modeling being a taker.

The challenge of good parenting is to find the balanced between being there for our children and being there for ourselves, as well as the balance between freedom and responsibility - to be personally responsible to ourselves rather than be a taker or a caretaker."

Toddlers: To Tame or to Trustby Naomi Aldort
"As a parenting counselor, I often get calls from bewildered and confused parents who say, "My baby was so angelic. Then one day the "monster" came out. I did everything right. He was born peacefully, he is still nursing on demand, still sleeps next to me, and I carried him all of the time. Why is he becoming so difficult now (at age 2, 3, or 4)?"

What has happened is actually a wonderful result of a relationship of trust and a deep bonding fostered by healthy attachment. The young child trusts her parents absolutely, and in that trust she rightly assumes that they are on her side and that she is safe and welcome to spread her wings. The way young humans spread their wings, however, is not always convenient to adults....

One father confessed to me that he regretted the attachment approach he and his wife had practiced with their daughter. At age four, she was "wild and demanding" while their friend's child, who "grew up in a crib" and attended day care, was "so cooperative".


Because I have heard this report many times from different parents, I cannot say that this is just a difference in the children's personalities. The real question is whether that other child is really cooperative, or is she actually compliant and resigned? Is the bonded and trusting child really "wild and demanding" or simply alive, trusting, and assertive? Maybe the difficulty is not in the child but in our attitude and approach as parents. Maybe what is needed is an extension of the attachment attitude with all the trust, validation and respect that comes with it - for many more years."

All Joy and No Fun

Why parents hate parenting.

• By Jennifer Senior

" “There’s all this buildup—as soon as I get this done, I’m going to have a baby, and it’s going to be a great reward!” says Ada Calhoun, the author of Instinctive Parenting and founding editor-in-chief of Babble, the online parenting site. “And then you’re like, ‘Wait, this is my reward? This nineteen-year grind?’ ” ...


...  “It was especially bad in the beginning,” said a woman who recently attended a parents’ group led by Barzvi at the 92nd Street Y. “When I’d hear other moms saying, ‘Oh, so-and-so sleeps for twelve hours and naps for three,’ I’d think, Oh, shit, I screwed up the sleep training.” Her parents—immigrants from huge families—couldn’t exactly relate to her distress. “They had no academic reference books forsleeping,” she says. (She’s read three.) “To my parents, it is what it is.” 

So how do they explain your anguish? I ask.

“They just think that Americans are a little too complicated about everything.”"

2. Be Here

I won't burden you with the many articles and heart breaking letters of mothers confessing to not loving one of their children to children grown up and angry because their mothers either overtly disliked them or simply took no interest in giving them encouragement or affection. Is this you? Probably not. But when you've reached the end of your rope, you are done with your children, and you are ready to get away from them, trust me, they know it. And it WILL stay with them until you heal it, or until they move on with their emotional baggage and heal it themselves.

We are all imperfect and despite the old adage that one should never go to bed angry, sometimes we do. But what would it do to you if your partner began staying up later than you on purpose, not for alone time so much as to specifically get away from YOU for a while? Every day? What if you found a link on his facebook wall to a blog post by someone about how marriage is something you best appreciate in retrospect? That he got married out of obedience to God and otherwise would have preferred to be single? What if you had a bad day and needed a good cry, but he told you to go cry alone in the bedroom and come out when you were done? What if you cried during a sad part of a movie and he told you to stop because you were embarrassing him and if you couldn't control yourself he wasn't going to take you on dates anymore?  

People hate it when I compare the relationship one has with their spouse to the one with their child. You can choose your partner but not your child, they say. My husband doesn't throw food on the floor. My spouse is an adult with enough sense to come in from the rain.

The reality is, the relationships ARE the same because they are exactly that - relationships. Whether or not we would have chosen this child ourselves, they are in our care. What does that mean? Is it our duty to raise them? Or can it be a relationship among equals? Can you be equals with someone without enough sense to come in from the rain? Or is this person teaching you something about living by staying outside? Are we commanded to raise children because they need us? Or because we need them to remind us of the part of us that we've forgotten, the part that plays and is not afraid of failing?

What does this have to do with being here?

Because it is not the same as "doing" here.

When I start my online math quizzes for my college algebra course, they are timed. I do not have the luxury of stopping to listen to my son explain his new Lego scene for ten minutes. I hate having to stop, take his sweet face in my hands, and tell him I love him so much but need him to give me some time before I can give him my time. The sadness in his face depresses me.

During one such moment recently, Connor looked at me with his big eyes and asked, "But why do I have to leave and come back when you are done? Can't I just stay here with you until you are done?"

There was one of those important moments when my son was teaching me something instead of the other way around.

I scooped him onto my lap, which is not an easy thing because he's a big boy, and it made doing my math problems more difficult because he was wiggly. However, it was what he really needed. It wasn't about the Legos. It was about ME.

Parenting gets tedious when we make it about getting them to do things. What we all really want, though, is for our children to BE things. We don't want them to do something just because we said so. We want them to believe us when we say it should be done because it is the best choice or the right thing or important. We want to know they'll make the same choice when we aren't around. Well, how can we expect them to do good things on their own if we've taught them to only do good things when they are told to do them? How do we teach them to be good, and not just do good?

The answer is, you don't. You can't TEACH goodness. It COMES from US. Children are designed by God, Nature or whoever to imitate us as little children and keep an eye on our example when they are bigger children. They watch us and listen to us even when we don't think they are. They hear our lesson about not hitting our sibling but see and feel us spank them to get the point across, and so what they've learned is not the lesson we wanted them to learn. They've learned that the time will come when they will be in a situation to hurt to get their way as long as they themselves are the biggest person in the room. They learn what they live.

Instead of doing, and telling them what they should be doing, try being, and letting them be with you. Someone who says "I love you" but has no patience with spending any time with you is sending a different message than one who simply loves being with you and shows it. We don't have to be at our children's beck and call all the time. Even tiny babies benefit from being held by dad or grandma or auntie. But, the baby who is carried sees people at eye level, hears their speech patterns, watches how human beings spend their days, and feels secure. The toddler who gets to help drop cut carrots into the pot feels connected. The 6 year old who gets to sit on his busy mom's lap while she does homework feels wanted instead of like a burden.

Do we always want to share our shower with a 4 year old? No. Do we sometimes need time and space to ourselves? Hell yes. But do we have to wait until after this life to be rewarded for the sacrifices we make for our children? No. If we expect a reward, then we burden our children with the responsibility that we should have for our own feelings. Our children don't exist to fulfill us. They don't exist to say thank you and make us feel awesome for putting a roof over their heads and making sure they always have meals. They aren't there to fulfill us or even give us purpose. They just ARE. Having expectations for what they are supposed to do will lead us to resentment, or thinking we don't really love our children, or we love one more than another one. Sometimes we do have one child that does more challenging things than the other ones. But take away the doing, and they are all human beings worthy of being alive simply because they are. They have value because they exist. Forget the doing and just "be" for a while. The love will be there, and it will grow, and it will stay unconditionally, so that even after the most challenging days, we will still be a little sad when they are asleep, as well as relieved.

Inspiration:
 The Mindful Parent website and podcast

This is one of my most favorite podcasts. It is 2-3 minutes of ideas for simply being present with your child, and bringing all your senses into your moments together. They're a great way to start the way, much the way scripture does for some.

Seven Times the Sun: Guiding Your Child Through the Rhythms of the Day

"A one-of-a-kind book--full of ideas, reflections, and practical advice offering a fresh view of daily life in the home and family. Weaving songs, stories, family rituals, and verses throughout, mother and educator Shea Darian shows how to bring joy to such daily events as mealtimes, going to bed, chores, naps, and playtime."
I love this book. I love this book. I love this book.

Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children: Becoming a Mindful Parent

This is not just for Buddhist mothers. I have found the philosophies to be very comforting and inspiring. Even the chapter on housework brings solace and ideas. I have obsessively devoured many parenting books over the last 6 years. I recommend this one highly. It is on my list of ones to own, to refer to again and again.

Mindful Parenting

Somewhere between the lullabies and your child's first driving lesson, parenting becomes your spiritual practice.

By Stephanie Renfrow Hamilton

"Many spoke of coming to terms with the constant juggling of doing both their yoga and the dishes with reasonable regularity, placing neither their practice nor their children first, but recognizing that, somewhere along their spiritual paths, their parenting had become their practice. The same mindfulness that goes into preparing the body for meditation through yoga, for instance, can be brought to bear when cooking dinner, tucking in bed sheets, or changing diapers.

These were decent, earnest stories these parents were offering, at turns, gritty and inspiring. So heartening were their lessons, in fact, that my usual tendency to bemoan my own lack of progress seemed pointless. For, in listening to their struggles, their humor, their stark reflections, in sensing their capacity for generosity and growth, I somehow sensed my own."


Some final thoughts.

In the end no matter what I do, people think I think I must be the perfect parent who knows everything and has to tell everyone what to do. This is usually without me saying much. I had a friend recently inform me that a lot of my posts come across as me thinking my way is the only way, even if I don't intend them to. 

I have many flaws. I lose my patience. My housekeeping is borderline bio-hazard level. I often forget to follow my own advice. I let my kids have dessert first. My toddler drinks rootbeer in her sippy cup. I yell when I start feeling like controller mom.

But I am a good mom. And I Freakin' LOVE parenting.

I have learned that believing that one is a good mom is rare and often delusional. To love parenting is also apparently the same thing.

Some days I am so depressed that my kids are the only thing that keeps me from driving the jeep off of a cliff. It is possible that the reason I love parenting is because I have burdened them with giving me a reason for living. 

However, I know other mothers who love being moms. Who just seem so happy in it, even when they are depressed. I think it is because love DOES give us a reason to keep on living. Loving people instead of resenting them helps us pick ourselves up off the floor and stay involved in humanity even when most of humanity makes us want to bang our head against a wall.

Giving my children as peaceful and gentle a home as I possibly can is my contribution to the universe. It's not perfect, and not always peaceful, but I've seen enough ugliness in the world to know it is more peaceful than most. Supposedly we all have a purpose in life, and on some days that purpose is to not screw up the world any more than it already is. But most days are filled up with perfect moments, that moment where you kiss your kid on the forehead for no reason and suddenly the space you share is filled with love even when the rest of the world is filled with war and exclusion and condemnation. The world is screwed up an falling apart, but right now, in this space, my toddler is safe asleep on my lap and I feel her warmth underneath my arms as I type after we spent over an hour giggling at online videos. Our little space is filled with love. 

It's a combination of these perfect little moments, accumulating over time, that makes me love parenting so much.I don't have control over what goes on out in the world. But I have some control over what goes on here. As much as is humanly possibly, within my capabilities, I create this space. I don't want to wait until the after life to experience the peace that could be in this space. I want it here, now.

If you've made it through all of this, thank you. It took me 3 hours to write. I hope it was worth it to read it.