Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Not Enough?
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha
A dear friend of mine is going through a separation and probably a divorce. This has happened to several of my friends over the last few years, but this one surprises me the most. This is not to say I blame my sassy women friends for their marriages ending, but since they are sassy I can see why they would be less inclined to put up with bull shit. This one, though, blindsided me. He's leaving her because he she hasn't lost the baby weight fast enough and he doesn't want to have sex with her anymore.
This friend is one of those unique people that doesn't seem to have a bad bone in her body. In 3 years of friendship I have never once heard her say something mean about someone else. She is a gentle mother, an amazing chef, a generous friend. She's the kind of wife most men dream about - accommodating, willing to give her spouse space even when she hasn't had any time for herself in a long while, cooks, cleans, has a great sense of humor and a curvy body.
She eats clean foods and exercises regularly. he says she doesn't take care of herself. She gave birth less than two years ago. I've been very cordial the last few times I have seen him at their house, but I really want to slap him as hard as I can and tell him to wake up. Are you crazy??? If I was a guy, I WOULD WANT TO MARRY HER! If it was kosher to leave my children to non-family in the instance of my untimely death, I would leave them to her in a heartbeat!
But no, he is in contact with a woman in another country who is already married but in an open relationship and he's going to meet her somewhere to have sex. He is going to break apart his family and force his kids to have divorced parents so he can have sex with someone who will never be his.
Which brings me to my point.
Sometimes, no matter how good we are, it's not enough for someone else.
But that doesn't mean we're not enough.
It means that person doesn't find us enough.
That's very different from us not being enough.
It doesn't hurt any less to know that you made a vow to love someone no matter what and they aren't keeping to that same vow. It frickin' hurts a lot. It hurts like hell. It breaks you open.
But if you've ever seen a crack in the ground, you know that beautiful things can grow up through those spaces. Like a seed that splits in two, amazing things can emerge.
We can't make people love us, and we can't prevent them from falling out of love with us. We can't make the pain stop. But we can stop blaming ourselves.
Sometimes it is our fault, when we are emotionally abusive, when we take advantage of the love we have, when we crush it because we're afraid to trust it.
But sometimes we do the best we can as human beings and the reasons we are given for the loss of love have nothing to do with us at all.
"“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves”
A dear friend of mine is going through a separation and probably a divorce. This has happened to several of my friends over the last few years, but this one surprises me the most. This is not to say I blame my sassy women friends for their marriages ending, but since they are sassy I can see why they would be less inclined to put up with bull shit. This one, though, blindsided me. He's leaving her because he she hasn't lost the baby weight fast enough and he doesn't want to have sex with her anymore.
This friend is one of those unique people that doesn't seem to have a bad bone in her body. In 3 years of friendship I have never once heard her say something mean about someone else. She is a gentle mother, an amazing chef, a generous friend. She's the kind of wife most men dream about - accommodating, willing to give her spouse space even when she hasn't had any time for herself in a long while, cooks, cleans, has a great sense of humor and a curvy body.
She eats clean foods and exercises regularly. he says she doesn't take care of herself. She gave birth less than two years ago. I've been very cordial the last few times I have seen him at their house, but I really want to slap him as hard as I can and tell him to wake up. Are you crazy??? If I was a guy, I WOULD WANT TO MARRY HER! If it was kosher to leave my children to non-family in the instance of my untimely death, I would leave them to her in a heartbeat!
But no, he is in contact with a woman in another country who is already married but in an open relationship and he's going to meet her somewhere to have sex. He is going to break apart his family and force his kids to have divorced parents so he can have sex with someone who will never be his.
Which brings me to my point.
Sometimes, no matter how good we are, it's not enough for someone else.
But that doesn't mean we're not enough.
It means that person doesn't find us enough.
That's very different from us not being enough.
It doesn't hurt any less to know that you made a vow to love someone no matter what and they aren't keeping to that same vow. It frickin' hurts a lot. It hurts like hell. It breaks you open.
But if you've ever seen a crack in the ground, you know that beautiful things can grow up through those spaces. Like a seed that splits in two, amazing things can emerge.
We can't make people love us, and we can't prevent them from falling out of love with us. We can't make the pain stop. But we can stop blaming ourselves.
Sometimes it is our fault, when we are emotionally abusive, when we take advantage of the love we have, when we crush it because we're afraid to trust it.
But sometimes we do the best we can as human beings and the reasons we are given for the loss of love have nothing to do with us at all.
"“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves”
“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Hormone Birth Control Inhibits Ovulation, Implantation, Sperm Happiness, or All Three
Birth control is on my mind for two reasons. One, a mama in one of my Facebook groups said she didn't like her IUD because it inhibited implantation, not conception, and she felt like she was miscarrying every month. :-( The other is because Mitt Romney supports legislation that states a life begins at conception, and then had no clue that this meant that many forms of birth control would be made illegal. I'm not making this up, you can see a video of it here, complete with awesome snark from Rachel Maddow:
Anywho, I couldn't find any one source that listed which birth control does what, so I am compiling everything I find here in one blog post.
IUDs
"How do intrauterine devices work?
Birth Control Pills
"The pill contains the hormones estrogen and progestin. It is taken daily to keep the ovaries from releasing an egg. The pill also causes changes in the lining of the uterus and the cervical mucus to keep the sperm from joining the egg."
Source: www.womenshealth.gov
"What Are Mini Pills?
Shot/injection
"The birth control shot often is called by its brand name Depo-Provera. With this method you get injections, or shots, of the hormone progestin in the buttocks or arm every 3 months. A new type is injected under the skin. The birth control shot stops the ovaries from releasing an egg in most women. It also causes changes in the cervix that keep the sperm from joining with the egg."
Source: www.womenshealth.gov
Vaginal ring
"This is a thin, flexible ring that releases the hormones progestin and estrogen. It works by stopping the ovaries from releasing eggs. It also thickens the cervical mucus, which keeps the sperm from joining the egg."
Source: www.womenshealth.gov
Voila. If the belief that life begins at conception, not implantation, is important to you, and you need or want birth control, you will want to choose a hormonal birth control that contains both estrogen and progestin and skip IUDs and the Mini Pill.
Anywho, I couldn't find any one source that listed which birth control does what, so I am compiling everything I find here in one blog post.
IUDs
"How do intrauterine devices work?
The progesterone intrauterine device releases a constant low dose of a synthetic hormone continually throughout the day. Both the progesterone IUD and copper IUD prevent pregnancy in one of two ways:
- The released progesterone or copper creates changes in the cervical mucus and inside the uterus that kills sperm or makes them immobile.
- Changes the lining of the uterus, preventing implantation should fertilization occur."
Birth Control Pills
"The pill contains the hormones estrogen and progestin. It is taken daily to keep the ovaries from releasing an egg. The pill also causes changes in the lining of the uterus and the cervical mucus to keep the sperm from joining the egg."
Source: www.womenshealth.gov
"What Are Mini Pills?
These are pills that contain only one hormone (progestin). They do not contain estrogen and may be prescribed in women who are breastfeeding or in women who experience nausea with estrogen.
How Do Mini Pills Work?
Mini pills work by thickening the cervical mucus so the sperm cannot reach the egg. The hormone in the pills also changes the lining of the uterus, so that implantation of a fertilized egg is much less likely to occur. In some cases, mini pills stop ovulation (the release of an egg). A pill is taken every day."
The patch
"Also called by its brand name, Ortho Evra, this skin patch is worn on the lower abdomen, buttocks, outer arm, or upper body. It releases the hormones progestin and estrogen into the bloodstream to stop the ovaries from releasing eggs in most women. It also thickens the cervical mucus, which keeps the sperm from joining with the egg."
Source: www.womenshealth.gov
"The birth control shot often is called by its brand name Depo-Provera. With this method you get injections, or shots, of the hormone progestin in the buttocks or arm every 3 months. A new type is injected under the skin. The birth control shot stops the ovaries from releasing an egg in most women. It also causes changes in the cervix that keep the sperm from joining with the egg."
Source: www.womenshealth.gov
Vaginal ring
"This is a thin, flexible ring that releases the hormones progestin and estrogen. It works by stopping the ovaries from releasing eggs. It also thickens the cervical mucus, which keeps the sperm from joining the egg."
Source: www.womenshealth.gov
Voila. If the belief that life begins at conception, not implantation, is important to you, and you need or want birth control, you will want to choose a hormonal birth control that contains both estrogen and progestin and skip IUDs and the Mini Pill.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Unfinished
I recently counted over 10 unfinished crochet, weaving, and sewing projects, with two more started just this week. Combined with my unfinished novel that I stalled at 221 pages, and its sequel that I got 30 pages into, several homeschool projects left incomplete, and an office I cleared out and organized just two boxes short of "done," and it has become apparent to me that I have a serious fear of completing things.
My instinct is that if I complete something, then I run the risk of having it judged as "not good" and "insufficient," and as long as projects remain unfinished, I am safe from judgment.
My old therapist would have me write out this fear, and then come up with evidence of why this isn't true.
Unfortunately, I have many example of it being completely true, of throwing my whole heart and soul into something and having it be completely inadequate and inferior.
This is why I hate therapy.
It always made me more depressed instead of less. Nothing like validating your fears...
So here I am, trying to go back to school. I say trying because now instead of a good mother or a good student (I got straight A's my first year of college so many years ago), I am now a half-assed mother and a half-assed student. I'm tired all the time, I don't always gets my homework finished, and I don't spend the amount of time with my children that I used to.
When I put more effort into studying, my children suffer. I spent this last week trying to put in more effort with my children, and my homework suffered.
To all you single mamas out there who went back to school and did it all, I solute you. The sacrifices you made amaze me.
I wasted a lot of unmedicated years that I could have spent finishing school and gaining marketable skills before I was finally able to conceive Connor. Years I could have perfected my own crafting skills, and worked at what was an awesome earning capacity before I fell apart. I wish I could have found the right treatment sooner, and that Social Security didn't make me take them to court and fight for 3 years to finally get my benefits and medical help. I wish I had been able to put more things in order before my children came so that I wouldn't be frantically trying to balance children and school right now out of fear that if something ever happens to Bryan I won't be able to support my family.
I know I'm not the only one who has looked at her life in her mid-thirties and thought, this was NOT how it was supposed to be.
But, it is.
I look around me, where I live, how I spend my time, how my body has changed, what I own, what I know, what I've experienced in the last 36 years of my life, and then I curl up with my children in our shared bed, and they tell me they love me, and I wish so deeply that the love was all we needed, that love would keep us warm, that love would pay the rent and feed us healthy foods and give us dental care. I wish love and peace were all anyone needed.
Well, everyone I gave sections of my book to ended up either not liking it or simply losing interest, the pattern I put on Etsy sold once and I never got feedback on it, my kids never play with any of the crochet toys I make them, and I'm getting a B instead of an A in biology because I turn my homework in late and not because I don't know the material. I want to be okay with this somehow. I want to let go of the need to be awesome in all things and call it "good enough." I don't know how to do this. Probably most of us don't.
More importantly, whatever baggage I have with me now that I should have thrown out years ago, I want to raise my children without this baggage. I want them to know that being second or third is still wonderful, that we can be happy for people who excel at the things we love, and that falling short of our goal despite putting in all our effort does not change our value as people.
I want them to believe they are valuable simply because they exist, because I wish I believed that.
My value is not changed when I become more productive, despite what politicians say. My value does not change when I under-perform others, or even perform under my own past abilities.
As a human being, I have value. I do not have to earn this value by obeying certain rules or competing for certain rewards. It is not something I have to prove. My capacity for compassion is greater than my capacity for resentment or contempt. I am worth more than what others may tell me I am worth, and loveable even when the people closest to me treat me as though I am not. When I am slighted or overlooked and put second, it is not a true measure of me.
And that is a lesson I want to learn. Words I want to believe. And beliefs I want my children to have.
My instinct is that if I complete something, then I run the risk of having it judged as "not good" and "insufficient," and as long as projects remain unfinished, I am safe from judgment.
My old therapist would have me write out this fear, and then come up with evidence of why this isn't true.
Unfortunately, I have many example of it being completely true, of throwing my whole heart and soul into something and having it be completely inadequate and inferior.
This is why I hate therapy.
It always made me more depressed instead of less. Nothing like validating your fears...
So here I am, trying to go back to school. I say trying because now instead of a good mother or a good student (I got straight A's my first year of college so many years ago), I am now a half-assed mother and a half-assed student. I'm tired all the time, I don't always gets my homework finished, and I don't spend the amount of time with my children that I used to.
When I put more effort into studying, my children suffer. I spent this last week trying to put in more effort with my children, and my homework suffered.
To all you single mamas out there who went back to school and did it all, I solute you. The sacrifices you made amaze me.
I wasted a lot of unmedicated years that I could have spent finishing school and gaining marketable skills before I was finally able to conceive Connor. Years I could have perfected my own crafting skills, and worked at what was an awesome earning capacity before I fell apart. I wish I could have found the right treatment sooner, and that Social Security didn't make me take them to court and fight for 3 years to finally get my benefits and medical help. I wish I had been able to put more things in order before my children came so that I wouldn't be frantically trying to balance children and school right now out of fear that if something ever happens to Bryan I won't be able to support my family.
I know I'm not the only one who has looked at her life in her mid-thirties and thought, this was NOT how it was supposed to be.
But, it is.
I look around me, where I live, how I spend my time, how my body has changed, what I own, what I know, what I've experienced in the last 36 years of my life, and then I curl up with my children in our shared bed, and they tell me they love me, and I wish so deeply that the love was all we needed, that love would keep us warm, that love would pay the rent and feed us healthy foods and give us dental care. I wish love and peace were all anyone needed.
Well, everyone I gave sections of my book to ended up either not liking it or simply losing interest, the pattern I put on Etsy sold once and I never got feedback on it, my kids never play with any of the crochet toys I make them, and I'm getting a B instead of an A in biology because I turn my homework in late and not because I don't know the material. I want to be okay with this somehow. I want to let go of the need to be awesome in all things and call it "good enough." I don't know how to do this. Probably most of us don't.
More importantly, whatever baggage I have with me now that I should have thrown out years ago, I want to raise my children without this baggage. I want them to know that being second or third is still wonderful, that we can be happy for people who excel at the things we love, and that falling short of our goal despite putting in all our effort does not change our value as people.
I want them to believe they are valuable simply because they exist, because I wish I believed that.
My value is not changed when I become more productive, despite what politicians say. My value does not change when I under-perform others, or even perform under my own past abilities.
As a human being, I have value. I do not have to earn this value by obeying certain rules or competing for certain rewards. It is not something I have to prove. My capacity for compassion is greater than my capacity for resentment or contempt. I am worth more than what others may tell me I am worth, and loveable even when the people closest to me treat me as though I am not. When I am slighted or overlooked and put second, it is not a true measure of me.
And that is a lesson I want to learn. Words I want to believe. And beliefs I want my children to have.
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