Not Enough?

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."  - Buddha


A dear friend of mine is going through a separation and probably a divorce. This has happened to several of my friends over the last few years, but this one surprises me the most. This is not to say I blame my sassy women friends for their marriages ending, but since they are sassy I can see why they would be less inclined to put up with bull shit. This one, though, blindsided me. He's leaving her because he she hasn't lost the baby weight fast enough and he doesn't want to have sex with her anymore.

This friend is one of those unique people that doesn't seem to have a bad bone in her body. In 3 years of friendship I have never once heard her say something mean about someone else. She is a gentle mother, an amazing chef, a generous friend. She's the kind of wife most men dream about - accommodating, willing to give her spouse space even when she hasn't had any time for herself in a long while, cooks, cleans, has a great sense of humor and a curvy body.

She eats clean foods and exercises regularly. he says she doesn't take care of herself. She gave birth less than two years ago. I've been very cordial the last few times I have seen him at their house, but I really want to slap him as hard as I can and tell him to wake up. Are you crazy??? If I was a guy, I WOULD WANT TO MARRY HER! If it was kosher to leave my children to non-family in the instance of my untimely death, I would leave them to her in a heartbeat!

But no, he is in contact with a woman in another country who is already married but in an open relationship and he's going to meet her somewhere to have sex. He is going to break apart his family and force his kids to have divorced parents so he can have sex with someone who will never be his.

Which brings me to my point.

Sometimes, no matter how good we are, it's not enough for someone else.

But that doesn't mean we're not enough.

It means that person doesn't find us enough.

That's very different from us not being enough.

It doesn't hurt any less to know that you made a vow to love someone no matter what and they aren't keeping to that same vow. It frickin' hurts a lot. It hurts like hell. It breaks you open.

But if you've ever seen a crack in the ground, you know that beautiful things can grow up through those spaces. Like a seed that splits in two, amazing things can emerge.

We can't make people love us, and we can't prevent them from falling out of love with us. We can't make the pain stop. But we can stop blaming ourselves.

Sometimes it is our fault, when we are emotionally abusive, when we take advantage of the love we have, when we crush it because we're afraid to trust it.

But sometimes we do the best we can as human beings and the reasons we are given for the loss of love have nothing to do with us at all.

"“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the 
woman he loves” 

“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You