C-Section By Divine Design

Me holding a brand new, 10-minutes-old Moira while they stitched me up.

I made a short comment on my Facebook page that I want to elaborate on. I had posted THIS LINK concerning c-sections, and a friend had empathized with me over my own experiences. This is how a short conversation went:

ME: I've had 3, but I do not take this lightly. A sectioned mother's chance of dying in childbirth is 300% greater than women who birth vaginally. I bled so heavily for so long afterwords this time I almost had to have a second surgery to fix it. If you don't absolutely need one, DON'T do it. The "convenience" isn't worth the risk.

Friend:  I love you for sharing your experience in the hopes that someone else can think twice. And I'm sorry that you had to go through that. :(

Me: I think the universe put it in motion so that it would humble me. I can be WAY over-fanatical about my ideas sometimes and these c-sections remind me to keep an open heart.

Friend:  I hear you. I get those humbling moments at times too, and it's nice. It brings me off my high horse. Otherwise I would be so wrapped up in ideology that I wouldn't have any handle on reality. :P

One of my greatest heartbreaks is that I have never had a normal birth. Each one was incredibly painful, frightening and traumatic. While it's true that I have been blessed with three awesome children, that gratitude is separate from, not in place of, the long-term disappointment and emotional suffering that come from having a body that does not do what it will do for millions of other women all over the world this year and every year. I feel broken, especially when faced with my own support for home birth and natural birth and my disdain for most hospital births.

Right now, my favorite attachment parenting comic is doing a series on how medicalized birth really has not made birth safer. I want to shout a "hell yeah," about these. I want to post them everywhere. I want to still point out to mothers the uselessness of constant fetal monitoring and episiotomies and, as I did with this link, the very real risks of c-sections.

It takes the wind out of my sails to have to add the disclaimer, "but not for me. Medicalized birth did in fact save my life from a failing liver and failing kidneys, twice. It did actually save my child's life. I'm the exception. So listen to me but don't."

I am beginning to think that these births were sent to me to knock me down a notch or two.

There are things out there I'm still stalwart about - there's no such thing as an exception for cry-it-out sleep training, or a circumstance under which spanking is the right choice. Baby scheduling endangers the health and well-being of infants and I will never get behind that.

But, I have also developed sympathy toward the mama who is "selfish enough" to want an epidural, since I experienced such pain as to literally want to commit suicide. I encourage but do not insist on co-sleeping because I have a friend whose child absolutely hated being touched while she was asleep and only slept well when she was by herself. I believe breast milk is the best thing for babies but after having a sister dry up completely just a few days after giving birth (her body reacted to our father's death), I know that for some women they have very little choice beyond some donated breast milk and supplementing with baby formula. And, after having my first born son hate baby carriers until he was about 5 or 6 months old, I know babywearing doesn't work for every situation.

Cloth diapers, organic clothing, non-medicated childbirth, home school, even stay-at-home parenting - I know what the ideals are, and it's good to reach for the ideals, but it is also important to understand the different limitations we all have, within ourselves and within our families. Very few parenting decisions are between "good" and "bad." Many of them are between "good," "better," and "within the realms of our current capabilities."

In response to some criticisms about content in Mothering Magazine, editor Peggy O'Mara wrote the following:

"Recognizing that our ideas, beliefs, and attitudes about our children and ourselves as parents are always in process keeps us from turning our good ideas into dogma. Natural family living is full of good ideas. There's plenty of evidence that responsive parenting works well. And yet ideas, no matter how good they are, must be forged by real-life experiences. We have to learn how to mediate them with the inevitably uncontrollable nature of family life.

Certainly we will feel regret when things turn out different from what we'd hoped. And we all ask the proverbial "Why?" when bad things happen. Too much time spent trying to answer this question, however, can distract us from finding out something even more important: What can I learn from this experience?

A bad experience is like a dive for buried treasure. There is a wreck. Someone has to figure out what happened and remember what to do the next time. Everyone hopes to find the treasure hidden in the wreck, even though many doubt that it's there at all. Like a bad experience, once we mine our regrets for information about what we might have done differently, and what we might do if the same circumstances arise again, we've already discovered a lot of treasure. When the time is right, we can then let the experience go."

-Regrets - A Quiet Place by Peggy O'Mara

So yes, you will see me talk, and even preach, about the things I believe are the best choices for the well-being of children in particular and families as a whole, but very rarely will I follow that up with "and you are completely wrong if you do/don't." I have, in fact, been humbled by my terrible births. That does not make them less painful or disappointing, but it does give them meaning beyond "my body just couldn't and wouldn't."

Not to say I won't get in your face for making what I think are stupid choices, but, you know, rarely.

Toys And Books Our Children Have Loved

Someone I know is pregnant after over 16 years since the last birth. She's been asking about toys and baby supplies. We've had some failures and some things that the children enjoy almost every single day. I am writing this post for her, and hope some of you will pitch in the things that have stood the test of time.

Baby Books and Toys

A Rattle or Teething Toy
We have had several different rattles, but our first babies picked out a favorite and that became the one they wanted the most. Connor's favorite was a Tigger rattle. Deirdre's favorite was a carrot teething toy I crocheted her.

Connor and his Tigger rattle.

Deirdre and her crocheted carrot teether.

A Baby Walker/Push Toy

Both babies LOVED pushing on a push toy as they were learning to stand up and walk. They both would push their toy across the room and then yell at us to turn it around for them so they could push it back.

Deirdre and Her Walker

Stacking Toys

You don't necessarily need a specific stacking toy - kids will stack random things, anyway. However, we consider the natural wooden ring stacking toy we bought for Deirdre to be a good purchase. It's beautiful, non-toxic and durable.

Deirdre and Her Stacking Rings

Baby Books

These have been favorites since Connor was born. We even read Go, Dog, Go! while he was still in utero, and when he was born, he loved hearing us read it to him.

Toddler Toys And Books

Schleich Animals

Connor and Deirdre have had stuffed animals, cute Fisher Price animals, and these model animals, and by far these are the favorites. They are so realistic they are actually anatomically correct (watch out for that male pig...). They are hand painted molded plastic and the children play with them almost every single day.

If they watch a movie, read a book, or flip through a magazine with animals in it, they bring out the corresponding Schleich animals. The sea animals float, so they bring those into the bath. We've used them for sorting patterns, learning to count, and practicing first letter sounds (H is for horse!). Deirdre carries them around in her backpack. Daddy invented a game where we hold them up to a light and guess the shadow shape on the wall.

These have been an excellent investment. You can find them at Target, Fred Meyer/Smith's Marketplace, and in random places, like the petting zoo at Pointe Place in Utah, or our feed store down the street here in Bellingham.

Practicing the words "in front of" and "behind."

Our Veggie Tales Nativity supplemented with Schleich animals, including a Yule triceratops on the left and the Christmas lioness on the right...

Puzzles

Both children have loved chunky puzzles and puzzles with nobs since they could sit up. Now that the puzzles have become easy, they use the chunky pieces for other games and imaginative play.

Connor is listening to Old McDonald on the computer, and discovered on his own that his puzzle matches, so he puts each animal in the puzzle as it comes up in the song.

Art Supplies

The littlest children love to paint and use crayons. We have paint parties in the bath tub for easy clean up, crayons and paper on a low shelf for easy access, and an art easel with a chalkboard on one side and dry erase board on the other. I often make homemade playdough, and when I feel brave, there is glue and glitter.

I use this book so much, it is falling apart. Includes recipes for paints, clays/playdough, and other art materials.

Connor at 14 months, painting in the bath tub.

Deidre at 14 months with her brother.

Random Connor chalk drawing.

Musical Instruments

Babies are born dancing. They can actually tell if you are bouncing them in rhythm with the music you are dancing to or not. Each of our babies has had favorite songs and styles of music - Connor liked African, Deirdre liked Celtic, Moira likes Techno.

While a child will make a percussion instrument out of anything, ours have really taken to real instruments, including harmonicas, a child size guitar, a ukelele, and all kinds of percussion instruments.

Connor provides his own musical accompaniment to his potty training.

Deirdre rocks out in the living room.

Garden Tools

Both of my children have been fascinated by plants and gardening. Even if all you do is get one houseplant and one small watering can, your toddler will probably love caring for it. Ours also have hand trowels and a child size rake.

Helping plant sunflowers at our old rental.

Hilling up potatoes.

Deirdre uses their garden rake.

Books for Toddlers

Both of our kids are were, and still are, big fans of touchy feely books - anything with textures to touch and explore.

We have about ten books from the Usborne "That's Not My..." series.

So, now it is your turn - what toys do your young children seem to always turn to, and what books have been long time favorites?