She is hard-wired to do what she can within her meager abilities to meet those two needs by getting YOUR ATTENTION to fulfill them. Some people mislabel these attempts as "manipulation." If you've ever been in a hospital unable to feed yourself, get up to pee or even call a friend on the phone, you know this is not manipulation - you really do need help, and so does your baby.
So, I devised this quiz to help you assess how well you understand your baby and her needs.
1. You have just expelled diarrhea into your pants. Do you:
a. Change out of your dirty clothes, wash yourself, and put on clean clothes as soon as you are capable.
b. Finish what you are doing first - so what if other people in the room can smell you? You're almost done.
c. Wait until you are actually done with work or reach a designated time for breaks - you are gooey and uncomfortable, but that will have to wait.
2. You are thirsty. You know that if you are thirsty, this means you are already dehydrated. Do you:
a. Get something to drink and remind yourself to drink more often so that you don't have to get to that point again.
b. Make a mental note to get something to drink in the next 30 minutes when it's convenient.
c. Do nothing until it's a mealtime - you're not going to die of thirst between now and an hour from now, and besides, a dry throat isn't all that bad.
3. You are tossing and turning in bed and realise you simply can't get to sleep. Do you:
a. Try various techniques to help ease you into sleep, such as a warm drink, soft music, aromatherapy or simply reading in bed until you feel sleepy.
b. Toss and turn for the next two hours. If you just keep your eyes closed, you'll fall asleep EVENTUALLY, right?
c. Try to get up but your partner comes in and insists that you stay in bed because he or she looks forward to this time without you and really needs their "me" time or they won't enjoy living with you as much.
4. You feel like cuddling with your partner. Do you:
a. Ask for some cuddle time and get it.
b. Ask for some cuddle time and get it once your partner's favorite show is over.
c. Ask for some cuddle time but your partner says they're not in the mood, or sets a timer so that you get exactly ten minutes of cuddling.
5. You have had a hard day and need a good cry. Do you:
a. Call a friend, get some chocolate, or otherwise help yourself ease through it until you've had a good cry and can move on.
b. Call a friend or ask your partner for some comfort, only to have them tell you 10 minutes later they're a little tired of comforting you and would appreciate you crying someone else until you are done.
c. Don't bother trying to contact anyone because you know from experience no one will come for you.
6. Your baby is:
a. A whole person in need of guidance.
b. An incomplete person in need of training.
c. An inconvenience you wish would enjoy spending more time with a teddy bear or sleeping in the crib than always making demands of you.
7. A baby who needs to be held all the time is:
a. A baby.
b. A baby who needs to learn to self-soothe.
c. A baby who is manipulating you and has a bad habit that needs breaking.
8. Your family and friends are having a party. Do you:
a. Join in the fun.
b. Spend the party strapped to a chair in the corner, watching but out of the way.
c. Spend the party lying in bed, staring at toys hanging from the ceiling, wishing someone would remember you.
If you answered mostly A's, you and your baby are off to a good start. If you answered mostly B's, you may want to remember that your baby has very little concept of time, and has no object permanence, and so putting off meeting their needs can lead to frustration for them and, consequently, you. If you answered mostly C's, you do not understand your baby and barely understand yourself.
If our babies did not need us, they would be born fully capable of moving and caring for themselves, like baby turtles that dig up from the ground and make their own way to the ocean. Instead, they are born more helpless than any other mammal baby. Even blind pinky mice babies can move and make their way to their mama's nipple by themselves. Instead, babies need to spend lots of time around their parents in order to observe what it means to be human. They have to call out when they are hungry or thirsty, wet, cold, hot, in pain, or simply alone and in need of company. When we resent this, they know it.
Every morning when you wake up, several times throughout the day, and right before you go to bed, look at your baby and tell yourself, "My baby is pure and whole. My baby needs comfort and love. Someday she won't need me as much. Today, she needs me."
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